2010. It is almost hard to believe. This is the year I turn 30. Why has "30" always been such a benchmark year? Why is it that most of us expect to be full and complete people by this time? If this were possible, there would be no reason to continue. I remember as a teenager once dramatically (is there any other way when you are a teen?) telling a friend that if I ever made it to the age of 30 that she should shoot me because I would not ever want to be that old. (I hope she isn't planning on tracking me down). Now, here I am just a few months from the that dreaded day. I sure don't feel old enough to throw in the towel. I don't actually feel much different than I did at the age of 17. Ok, maybe that isn't all the way true. I sure wasn't very street smart or people savvy back in those days. I would like to think I have picked up a few knowledge nuggets on my journey. But besides becoming the brilliant person I am today (sarcasm implied), I just don't feel old. Sure I notice a few more pounds and a few fine lines, but at what point do we begin to feel old?
I guess coming up on this "milestone" has induced more than just a little self reflection. I have been thinking a lot about where I have been, what I have accomplished to date and what I hope to accomplish in the future. My old "goal setting" lists were all labeled "To Do Before I am 30." Time to rip those up I guess. I am pretty sure I won't be learning guitar or earning a black belt in karate in the next 4 months. The interesting thing is that I wouldn't really want to anymore.
One of the most fascinating things about looking back is seeing who you were. For Christmas a few years ago, my dad had all of our home movies put on to DVDs. What a great gift! I have been spending time with these during the past week. In some of the videos I am too young to be able to remember exactly my mindset at that age, but the videos where I am old enough to remember a bit is where it gets interesting. It is a stark contrast between my outlook on the world then and now. In the video of my high school graduation I remember thinking that I had my whole life ahead of me to do anything. Now, with a little more of that life behind me I am realizing how important it is to use the time left wisely-and maybe learning guitar isn't it for me.
I guess that who we are is made up of our thoughts, memories and experiences. But, because these grow and change each day, I guess it is safe to say that we really are a different person from one day to the next. In one home video, I am probably 10, my mother around 40 and my sister close to 5 years old. My mother is reading a story and it occurs to me, that those people no longer exist. What a weird thought. Of course people with those same names exist, but in no way are ANY of us the same people.
Looking at the past has been interesting, but I learned that I am not going to find many answers about myself there. Maybe I was expecting a grand AHA! moment. A clarity of what I am to do with the rest of my life. No, clarity isn't going to come with watching a Cabbage Patch obsessed child boss her little sister around. It will come with looking inward, outward and forward.
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